Saturday, August 18, 2012

Jesus versus Barack
 Mr. Jesus Christ’s campaign for President has been largely ignored by the media.

Yet, both the major candidates claim to “believe” in Mr. Christ.  They just don’t have faith in His policies.

Today,  we interview Mr. Alec Fencenseitter, co-chairman of the Democrats to Re-elect Barack Obama (DRBO) .  Fenceseitter is regarded as the authority on all things Baracky --and in the DRBO is affectionately known  as “Dr. BO”.

The Republicans are very dismissive of Mr. Christ’s policies – how about your party?

Dr. BO:
Well, the Republicans naturally diss' things  -- they are the party of division.  

We, on the other hand, are all – are not dismissive of anything  -- not ever – because we agree with everything.    . 

We are all inclusive.  We love black people, women, Hispanics,  Jews, gays, Muslims as long as they don’t try to board airlines with us –   trade unionists, too, as long they don’t organize.  We don’t discriminate between rich and poor, especially the rich. We accept donations from everybody.

So, we  naturally support Mr. Christ’s ideals.  And his Dad, too.  They have a right to be heard.     As President Obama says this is America – the greatest democracy on earth. We support minorities.

How can you support someone who is running against you?    Mr. Christ has been very critical of just about everything that President Obama has done from his cozying up to big business -- to his Romneycare health reform --to his policy of  Murder by Drone”-- to his vendetta against whistleblowers to his attacks on medical marijuana.  It’s a long list.

Dr BO,
We understand Mr. Christ’s…umm… idealism.  But, practically speaking, we inherited quite a mess from Bush .   Mr. Christ hasn’t been around for a long time—like the last 20 centuries or so – and he has some catching up to do.  Also, the Republicans are a lot worse.  Look this is a two -party system.
You know,  Mr. Christ, could always run our ticket – for congress.  His Dad, too.   He won’t get elected --but we can always appoint you to some government agency -- immigration or avocado regulation or something-- and later he can get a good job as a lobbyist.

Actually, we have already made JC and his Dad honorary members of the Democratic Party , just like we do for  all Japanese people and CEOs earning over a million a year.

You might say that's a compromise.  What's wrong with compromise?  That's what Democrats do.  And I mean, like the President, we should always be ready to compromise our values.  Fortunately,  we don’t have any. hehe.   Did I mention America is the greatest democracy?

Mr. Christ and his Dad might be a little miffed by your making them Democrats without asking. 

Dr BO,
Well, the President has offered to have a beer with Them anytime – or a Burger, and talk it over.   We are just folks --all about Communication.  It would be just Barack and Mr Christ and his Dad, umm…what’s His name?  And a few hundred reporters.  Did I mention America is the greatest democracy?

Yes, you mentioned that.

Dr. BO.
Yes. Look it’s hard to run a campaign on a shoestring and stuff like Love and Peace and Justice.  I mean, if their campaign were a movie -- who'd watch it?  No sex, no killing.  No CGI.  When was the last time you watched a movie just for the story?

You need millions of dollars to sex up a campaign.  You need TV ads so people can fantasize about killing people worldwide and riding in stretch limousines like the Koch Brothers or  or screwing wannabe bimbos like the Donald would do, if he could find a wannabe bimbo-enough. 
 I mean, we love Mr. Christ. After all, he’s Jewish. And some of our best friends are Jews, except maybe people like Norman Finklestein  and Karl Marx and Lady Gaga.  We like black people too and Hispanics and so on , too.  But JC and his Dad are well...y'know...a little naive.

I have to say that what you say is at best surprising; at worst, just contradictory. Some of Obama's actions indicate that you really don't like Mr. Christ so much.  For example,  I you like Mr. Christ  convening  a secret grand jury convening to discuss Mr. Christ and his Dad.  Something about whistle blowing?

I am not at liberty to talk about ongoing investigations. And anyway, that’s the government.   It’s kinda like the TSA – just because we run the thing, doesn’t mean we can intervene in processes. or we know why stuff happens or anything.   Did I mention America is the greatest democracy?  And we like Jews, muslims, black people, puppies and old people.

You didn't mention the puppies and old people before.
Also, the NYPD recently tased Mr. Christ in a stop&frisk thing.  They said he looked “suspicious”  .  The was held down and tased 35 times just in case he thought of resisting.  And he died.

Dr. BO.
Well, that’s not us—that’s the NYPD.  Boys will be boys, hehe.  And, if their average IQ was higher than 80, we would have to pay them more.
Anyway, Mr. C  does have a beard --and he looks Middle Eastern.   

 And so he died?  So what?  He resurrects doesn’t he?  

 It was a Friday --and he had the whole weekend to come back to life.  Did I mention we like Jews, black people and Hispanics.  A lot.    Oh…and union members too. And endangered species except when they get in the way of Walmarts.   Also  America is the greatest democracy.

Yeah, yeah....And how did Mr. Christ and his Dad get on the no-fly list?

Dr. BO
As I said,  the Administration may be the government. . But we are not responsible for what it does.  Me:

Another thing.... the President used to smoke weed and snort coke and now Justice raids medical marijuana dispensaries. 

Dr. BO

The law is the law, except of course, if you are Goldman Sachs -- or us. 

And what about the drones that have been targeting Mr. Christ when he travels to the Middle East?  

Dr. BO
Did I mention America is the greatest democracy?   

Look, Accidents happen. Everytime we kill someone, they get due process. The President himself squiggles his name on the dotted line.   For reasons of national security, I can’t go into the details.  But hey,  as I mentioned, JC resurrects doesn’t He?    What’s heaven for if you don’t visit now & again?  
Besides the inconvenience of dry cleaning after getting blown up, Mr. Christ doesn’t like all the innocent people who get killed.

Dr. BO.
I will also add, that in the case of accidents,   we pay up to $500 per corpse, $250 for babies because they are smaller.  

Anyway, Mr Christ is a male of military age, which means that he automatically becomes a military non-combatant.   
Did I mention, we really love middle eastern people?  Saudi Sheiks for example.  And Bahraini princes. 

Look,  Mr C is a great guy and all that.  But he hasn’t a chance of winning.  He sounds too much like a Canadian, or even Hugo Chavez sometimes.  Americans believe in JC – nominally --but they absolutely worship Dirty Harry. 

Think of the alternative to Barack. If Romney gets in, he will just get the Israelis to nuke all the problem areas of the Middle East. We are against that because there might be oil there or rare earths.  Romney will re-create the US of A in the image of 11th Century England, but without the illusion of chivalry .
I like JC – but the hippie thing died out 2000 years ago.  

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